Truly Trusting

Truly Trusting
by Audrea Vann Medina on Wednesday, August 11, 2010 at 10:24pm

I find myself feeling incredibly frustrated today. I feel helpless, as if every single thing and every single decision is out of my control. I feel all a jumble,feeble, powerless, and weak. And I don't like it.

I'm not a good patient. Well, I was in the hospital because I was truly unable to care for myself, but now that I'm home, that "new normal" I talked about the other day is not happening fast enough. I'm impatient for it because every day presents a new series of frustrations.

This (referring to my new condition) sucks. Excuse the lack of a better and more genteel term. And don't tell my parents I said it. Even though I'm 31, I'll still feel guilty for the chastisement I know I'll receive since that word was not allowed in our house while growing up!

Already I'm tired of being hooked up to an i.v., tripping over the pole, running over my own feet, and unable to bathe (the only thing I can do alone) until it finishes. I can't pick up my children and hug them when they're hurt, or just pick up the baby when she needs some mommy love. I can't put her in her crib at night. I can't sweep or mop my floors or carry a load of laundry. Who'd have thought I'd miss THAT??!!???

I haven' teven been able to see my baby's grave yet, and though I hesitate to go too soon, my heart needs to see it.

Why am I so cranky tonight? I don't like it. Jeff is staying away, clear on the other side of the room writing the thank you notes I should be helping him with. Maybe it's because I'm feeling overwhelmed by all of the changes, all of which are completely out of my hands.

If that is true, this, then, becomes a true test of my faith. When I'm not in control,do I really trust God, Jeff, and all the others to make the best choices for me? I think that's where my frustration lies. I want to make some decisions for myself and because I can't, I'm barky. I've not practiced being thankful today,so I might as well get to it. In fact, I've not spent any time with Holy God today and it's showing as I bare my teeth and furrow my brow(s).

I'm weak and frail and incapable of handling regular routine tasks. I don't like beingin such a vulnerable position.

I am reminded of what my brother shared on Facebook yesterday. It was from his Oswald Chambers devotional: "Jesus never measured His life by how or where He was the greatest use. God places His saints where they will bring the most glory to Him, and we are totally incapable of judging where that will be."

I feel unequal to the task of being used, in this way, for His glory, even though that's been my heart's desire for the longest time. I start thinking back to 3 weeks ago and wonder if I could have made any changes which would have protected my bowel or even my baby. I don't know. Maybe or maybe not. But then I have to pull myself out of that train of thought and realize I can't change anything now and neither can anyone else. My personal judgment asks if God could have used me in another way, as in writing a novel (my other heart's desire) and eventually teaching SouthernLiterature in a college setting.

I sit here now, looking inside and thinking that perhaps, just perhaps,Omniscient God has a better plan for my life than I do. The question is: Will I trust Him in my daily life struggles as I claim to trust His providence in the grand scheme of my life? Will I sit here and continue to gripe and whine about my daily trials, or will I take an eternal perspective and thank Him that I'm allowed another day to learn how to live my " new normal."

Hmmph.I already know, and I feel at ease again.

This is why I write. My mind is clear and I feel hope wrapped around me. I can look at my heavy i.v. back pack, listen to the gentle whirring of the pump, and thank the Lord that it's working properly and nourishing me for another day with my loved ones.

Sorry for the moaning and groaning session, but at least I don't end that way.